i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So. Much. Porn.
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