I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
