the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
