You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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