Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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