I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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