We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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