If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
