How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
