My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
