I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
