saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
