yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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