4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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