I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
