I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
