just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I would ride that face into the sunset
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
