So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
