Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize
