I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
