Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
