I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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