Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
