I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
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My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
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Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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