You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
