yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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