Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
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I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
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He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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