i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
