So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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