have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Randomize
