The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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