It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I didn't notice because vodka
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
