Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
