I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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