just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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