I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
