Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
