What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
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