My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
