Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
