Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
