Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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