I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
