just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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