i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I believe in your delicious
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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