remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
