I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
