I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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