Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
