Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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