I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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