my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
