So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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