I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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