you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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