I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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