I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
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we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
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The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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