my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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