Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
