If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
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Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
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Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
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